Men are obsessed with breasts. We are. Accept it.
Part of me thinks it’s a power thing. Breasts hold sway over us. We know they dominate us, and that therefore entices and as frustrates us. Women are the dominant gender for several reasons, and two of them are staring at our chest while our eyes try to steer upwards.
Another part of me thinks this is a dignity issue. Ever notice that when a woman’s naked it’s considered sexy, but male nudity is funny?
You know why? Boobs.
Without them, we just look like deformed Ken dolls.
I think women’s breasts have the attention of most men. Don’t you?
It’s one of those things you really can’t not look at.
Like a sunrise or a newborn baby or a teenage Asian girl on a skateboard wiping out and smacking into a parking meter.
I’ve researched the phenomenon exhaustively and believe that it’s just natural for men to be looking at breasts.
I am forever catching myself glancing at women’s breasts.
It doesn’t matter who they are, my sister, my best friend’s grandmother….
I’ll just be in a conversation about the price of gas and all of a sudden realize ……
“Wow, I just saw boobs.”
It’s like breasts are trying to get my attention or something.
They just seem to scream “Hey you! Yeah down here! Look at us!”
I think the reason is simple; breasts are sticking out on the body
I mean imagine if men were built with permanent erections.
We’d look at men differently. Our clothes would be different too. Probably a whole lot baggier with some pleated crotch areas.
Some more pleated than others I imagine.
I’m sure most women would try to be discrete but at some point their gazes would drop.
Just cause, well, he’s sticking straight out there.
It’s true though. Parts of the body that stick out get more attention.
We all notice: breasts, noses, bulging groins and big bums.
And women notice this more than men do.
It’s true, why else would they constantly be asking their husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends…
“Hey, does my butt look big in this?”
So with all these parts sticking out, it’s no surprise people are looking.
The trick for us guys is keeping it to a glance, stay alert, and avoid staring.
Recovering from a stare is tricky. In the same way getting your junk caught in your zipper is tricky.
I find pretending you’re in some deep thought, justifies staring off into space.
Then I come back with some random piece of trivia about comic books or action movies so you think I am a complete nerd.
Anyway I think that’s just the way we’re built.
Even the Bible says “let her breasts please you always”.
If God made the elbow or knees with that kind of “bodaciousness” and “bouncability”, we’d be staring at them instead.
And men aren’t alone in this. Women have their issues too.
We’re not the only ones looking down when a woman walks into the room. Lots of you women will be looking down with us.
Checking out her shoes. You can’t get your eyes off them.
Now nobody’s saying all you women have some kind of foot fetish.
So you see ladies, we’re not so different.
We’re just admiring the 36C’s while you girls are gawking at the beautiful pair of size 8’s.
You do it to us guys too. Judging us from our beat up work boots all the way up our super tight ripped jeans to our bulging junk sticking straight out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My eyes are up here.
Thanks to comedian and comedy club owner Don MacDonald for his help and comedy writing tips.